Thursday, October 27, 2011

Ten Year Old Boys are so Gross.

I finally found a little time to write this one down...or type it, whatever...
We cleaned The Boy's room on Monday. It was bad...and I'm still horrified.

Our bedroom door faces his door, so I pass his room-from now on referred to as the shithole-several times a day, and usually the door is closed, so I really just let him do his own thing, trusting that he's keeping things up in there...I mean I do see laundry cycle in and out, so I know it's staying decent right??? And I haven't smelled any funny smells right?? I try not to hover and drive him nuts about the room-it's his space and if he wants to live in a mess, then so be it. But I can't ignore dirty. And dirty does not even to begin to describe the horror that was his bedroom three days ago.
It started with a a moldy, dirty, ASS smell that I couldn't pinpoint...After sniffing the baby's diaper for the thousandth time, and investigating my room, and the hall bath, we could only conclude it was coming from The Shithole. Upon opening the door and actually stepping IN the suspicions were confirmed...we have a moldy ass problem in here, and it's got to GO. I plopped down my munchkin in the shithole (I mean really, how much more damage could HE do???), and started yanking crap out of the closet. Well, what do we have here? A half empty Gatorade I see...after I said no more food and drinks in your room? "I forgot u told me that". I can feel Mommie Dearest is coming...I can feel it. Please Lord, help me keep my composure and not lose my shit. The digging and throwing continues....clothes that haven't fit in years-that were IN A GOODWILL BOX and then somehow ended up BACK in the closet...ok...but where's the friggin ass smell coming from???
Dude, you HAVE to have food in here...there's no way that this is just 10 year old boy's not freaking normal!! I swear Mom, no food. Hmmmmmm..... Dude, you didn't NOTICE your room smelled like ass??? No?? wow. just wow.

By now, the baby has managed to wiggle himself under his brother's bed...something must have caught his eye. I look over and see nothing but a toddler size pair of red Chucks about to disappear under the bed....pulled on those legs(he thought that was the funniest thing) and what does my dearest little peanut have clutched in his hand????  An empty GoGurt wrapper...Mommie Dearest is creeping out...she's coming... Oh Mom, that's from BEFORE you told me no more food in here...OMG dude REALLY????
So I got a broom, did a full swoop under the bed...and after hitting several speed bumps trying to get it all out...these are the contents that I can remember, because I really think my brain is tyring to block it.:
1332323233211 Lego pieces
3 more half drank Gatorade containers.
Football cleat laces
random pieces of various cereals...some of which we haven't had in the house for months
chewed gum
dirty socks and draws
paper and markers
more Gogurt containers
empty box of Lucky Charms
one of my BRAS(I know the dog is the guilty party-he's OBSESSED with bras, draws, and dirty diapers, and the teeth marks on the straps were a dead giveaway-it's disgusting!!!)
and last but certainly not least...a dead frog. Yes, a dead frog.

But still, no source of the moldy ass smell has revealed itself yet...WTF could it be? Mommie dearest finally comes out and everything is removed from the room that wasn't too heavy for me to throw in the hall...floors get swept and mopped, and the smell is gone... OK maybe it was something spilled on the floor, and now it's gone so we are good right? Not.

After everything is back in it's place, the smell returns. WTF??? Really?? Does it really smell or is the moldy ass just burned into my nose forever????
After further investigation we finally found the source-the freaking BEAN BAG chair!!! OMG that thing was so foul smelling I could have vomited. Out the door that bitch went, never to return to my house again. It now lives in the backyard. The Boy was sad about the demise of the bean bag chair, but I think he's over it now...I hope...

Our incident has taught me a few valuable things...
Never. Ever. Under any circumstances are 10 year old boys ever to be trusted. Epic parenting fail on my part...gave him an inch, he took the whole mile.

Bean bag chairs do not do well in rooms with no carpet-smells like to grow between the two surfaces-nor do they like having things repeated spilled on them and never cleaned up.

Food does not ever belong in bedrooms of 10 year old boys. Ever.

Smell-1...My parenting skills-0...
I'm trying man, I really am!!!

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