Thursday, October 27, 2011

Ten Year Old Boys are so Gross.

I finally found a little time to write this one down...or type it, whatever...
We cleaned The Boy's room on Monday. It was bad...and I'm still horrified.

Our bedroom door faces his door, so I pass his room-from now on referred to as the shithole-several times a day, and usually the door is closed, so I really just let him do his own thing, trusting that he's keeping things up in there...I mean I do see laundry cycle in and out, so I know it's staying decent right??? And I haven't smelled any funny smells right?? I try not to hover and drive him nuts about the room-it's his space and if he wants to live in a mess, then so be it. But I can't ignore dirty. And dirty does not even to begin to describe the horror that was his bedroom three days ago.
It started with a a moldy, dirty, ASS smell that I couldn't pinpoint...After sniffing the baby's diaper for the thousandth time, and investigating my room, and the hall bath, we could only conclude it was coming from The Shithole. Upon opening the door and actually stepping IN the suspicions were confirmed...we have a moldy ass problem in here, and it's got to GO. I plopped down my munchkin in the shithole (I mean really, how much more damage could HE do???), and started yanking crap out of the closet. Well, what do we have here? A half empty Gatorade I see...after I said no more food and drinks in your room? "I forgot u told me that". I can feel Mommie Dearest is coming...I can feel it. Please Lord, help me keep my composure and not lose my shit. The digging and throwing continues....clothes that haven't fit in years-that were IN A GOODWILL BOX and then somehow ended up BACK in the closet...ok...but where's the friggin ass smell coming from???
Dude, you HAVE to have food in here...there's no way that this is just 10 year old boy's not freaking normal!! I swear Mom, no food. Hmmmmmm..... Dude, you didn't NOTICE your room smelled like ass??? No?? wow. just wow.

By now, the baby has managed to wiggle himself under his brother's bed...something must have caught his eye. I look over and see nothing but a toddler size pair of red Chucks about to disappear under the bed....pulled on those legs(he thought that was the funniest thing) and what does my dearest little peanut have clutched in his hand????  An empty GoGurt wrapper...Mommie Dearest is creeping out...she's coming... Oh Mom, that's from BEFORE you told me no more food in here...OMG dude REALLY????
So I got a broom, did a full swoop under the bed...and after hitting several speed bumps trying to get it all out...these are the contents that I can remember, because I really think my brain is tyring to block it.:
1332323233211 Lego pieces
3 more half drank Gatorade containers.
Football cleat laces
random pieces of various cereals...some of which we haven't had in the house for months
chewed gum
dirty socks and draws
paper and markers
more Gogurt containers
empty box of Lucky Charms
one of my BRAS(I know the dog is the guilty party-he's OBSESSED with bras, draws, and dirty diapers, and the teeth marks on the straps were a dead giveaway-it's disgusting!!!)
and last but certainly not least...a dead frog. Yes, a dead frog.

But still, no source of the moldy ass smell has revealed itself yet...WTF could it be? Mommie dearest finally comes out and everything is removed from the room that wasn't too heavy for me to throw in the hall...floors get swept and mopped, and the smell is gone... OK maybe it was something spilled on the floor, and now it's gone so we are good right? Not.

After everything is back in it's place, the smell returns. WTF??? Really?? Does it really smell or is the moldy ass just burned into my nose forever????
After further investigation we finally found the source-the freaking BEAN BAG chair!!! OMG that thing was so foul smelling I could have vomited. Out the door that bitch went, never to return to my house again. It now lives in the backyard. The Boy was sad about the demise of the bean bag chair, but I think he's over it now...I hope...

Our incident has taught me a few valuable things...
Never. Ever. Under any circumstances are 10 year old boys ever to be trusted. Epic parenting fail on my part...gave him an inch, he took the whole mile.

Bean bag chairs do not do well in rooms with no carpet-smells like to grow between the two surfaces-nor do they like having things repeated spilled on them and never cleaned up.

Food does not ever belong in bedrooms of 10 year old boys. Ever.

Smell-1...My parenting skills-0...
I'm trying man, I really am!!!

Monday, October 24, 2011

Ping Pong Balls and the Harry Potter Wanna Be

So we have our little Fall Fest/Halloween party coming up with the homeschool group this Monday...I volunteered for halloween colored dyed eggs and ping pong balls for a few games we have set up. I hit up Ebay for the ping pong balls, bought 100 of them because they were crazy cheap, and stashed the bag on the homeschool shelf to be dealt with later...not even looking twice at what level the shelf was.
(side note: EBay thinks that, based on my recent purchase of ping pong balls, they strongly suggest that I consider the purchase of a Beer Pong table...oooooookay then..Me+Peer Pong would NOT be a good idea. Ever.. I love to drink, but not like that!)

So it's Saturday morning and of course my little nugget of cuteness has me up at 4am again, because everyone gets up at the ass crack of dawn on Saturdays for no reason. And that baby ran full steam until 6 o clock that evening..Sheesh. The Boy had travel baseball tryouts at 9, and I HAD to get a dress and a jon jon finished to get to the embroiderer for final touches, and since I put it off the night before, jumping into bed as soon as the baby knocked out, it was a must situation. I fed the baby, then let him have free reign of the sewing room so I could get cracking...usually, he likes to dump out the scrap bin and throw the pieces all over, lay in them, chew on them, etc...I have learned to not let that freak me out, as normally it would, it keeps me calm knowing that he's plenty occupied so I can get some work done...he could play in that for quite a while before deciding that he's ready for something else.
The Boy got up and wanted food too, so I busted out the grill pan and made pancakes(he had a big day coming up)...flip a cake, sew a line, flip a cake, sew a line... Breakfast is done. Back on the sewing machine, working around thousands of fabric scraps and laughing at my silly little baby who is happier than a pig in shit, while he plays in the scraps, and his brother tosses him and the dog pancake bits...yes, he's treating his baby brother like the dog, but whatever, everyone's happy at the moment.
So I gotta pee. Like really gotta go-two pots of coffee have run through me and it's time. Asked The Boy to keep an eye on the The Babe and ran down the hallway...didn't even bother to shut the door, as I knew I'd have a visitor any moment now to ask me a very unimportant question that needed an immediate answer. So I'm trying to pee as fast as possible (of course it's two pots of coffee so it felt like forEVER)..and I hear sizzling and giggling...sizzle and giggle...What the hell are you doing? I'm throwing water on the grill pan Mom...I'm summoning smoke like Harry Potter! Ok dude....
And then I hear a sound that can be none other than 100 ping pong balls spilling out onto the floor. Shit, I left those stupid balls in reach. And then the sounds of hysterical laughter as both of them proceed to throw the balls at each other. Darting down the hallway, I almost wipe out on a ball...enter the kitchen and picture this...
The smoke summoning continues by the Harry Potter wanna be, faucet on, fling, sizzle, giggle...The baby throwing ping pong balls at him...and my poor dog sitting in the middle with this 'save me' face. Dude, I thought you were watching the baby?? I was, but I had to summon smoke too, I can't do both!
Part of me wanted to lose it, but my sense of humor kicked in, and I sat right on that floor and threw ping pong balls with my kids:-)

Friday, October 21, 2011

The drama that is split shift parenting..and you forgot WHAT???

Oh that man...I love him so...but sometimes I really wonder where his brain is. Like REALLY. I assume he leaves it at work on Wednesdays and Thursdays, which happens to coincide with the two days he's actually home when everyone else is. *sigh*
We have a really whacky family dynamic...I really do feel like a single mother most of the time (now for all of you actual single mothers about to jump my ass-chill the f out: I was a single mother for 4 years with The Boy so I KNOW the difference.), and most of the child-rearing and household responsibilities lie on my shoulders. Good thing I'm a big girl, cuz I have a LOT on my shoulders at any given time. And the hubs off days are in the middle of the week, so on the weekends, I don't get much of a break from the routine. Bless his heart, he tries..but there are so many things that he misses, and doesn't 'get' about the kids that drive me insane..Like when he asks me 'Why is the baby crying?'(he gets really tense when the CRY is in full force-more on that new sound later)  I dunno, did you ask him?? Like I freaking know! He's a baby, he cries sometimes, it's ok... 'How do I make the bottles again?' WOW really, it's been like 11 months, come the F ON.  As I'm standing in the kitchen, eating with one hand, holding the baby, and loading the dishwasher, because yet again, nobody did it during the day, 'Babe, where are my work clothes?' See the steam coming out of my ears yet?? There are a lot of snippy comments and 'looking hard' at each other when things get really hairy, especially in the mornings, when he's been at work all night and ready for bed, I've been up and down with the baby that never sleeps, and still need to get ready for work. I so enjoy trying to flat iron my hair with a 2 foot tall midget biting my ankles, and throwing random things in the toilet. Stinker. It's a hard schedule that we live. I hate it. But it's where we are right now, and I'm trying really hard to accept it. I know it's hard on him too, and I have to remind myself of that often, because he loves those boys more than life itself, and would do anything for them, yet doesn't really get to be part of their daily life. It hurts him, I know it.
We have many, many days where I get home from work and he's waiting to kiss us and leave for work. Many days where I just can't get ANYTHING done in the evenings, and just sit and stare at the wall after the baby goes to bed like some crazy lady who just took a bunch of Xanax.  He does what he can, and I appreciate that, but sometimes Daddy's good intentions can have stressful, although now amusing, consequences...

Yesterday, he grabbed The Boy, and busted The Babe out of jail (aka daycare) right after lunch, and they spent the afternoon wandering the French Quarter, visiting with friends, checking out the music, etc...and then came to pick me up from work (we had previously planned for him to get me first, then go get the kiddos and run our errands). I was so happy to see all my men there to kidnap me from my desk! We let the baby run around the office for a minute to stretch his legs and then started out to get a few things done-the boy needed a new baseball glove, and everybody needed shoes..Well the babe had other plans...he was NOT getting back in the car seat. Just not doing it. After a few minutes of what was none other than an episode of WWE Smackdown in the backseat (ok chill I did not SMACK him, he was contorting himself so I couldn't buckle him in..shithead), I got a very pissed of and screaming baby in the seat, strapped in and unable to flip himself over again. He was none too happy. So I go for the diaper bag that should be in the car for a bottle because I knew this was the I'm pissed, but really more hungry cry. No bag. WTF? Honey where is the diaper bag? He points to the daycare bag...Oh shit.
Being that he's never home and I'm always the one running with the kids, how could he know that the Daycare Bag and the Regular Bag were two completely different bags that served two completely different purposes?? FML. Then I remember that the daycare bag has bottles in it-of just water(our daycare supplies formula). Double FML. At least he remembered to grab the diaper/wipe thingy. Whew, we'll be ok..
Halfway to the sports store the baby starts freaking out, and I mean freaking.the.f.out. He's hungry, he wants his bottle, and he wants it NOW. There is NOWHERE to stop we're on the interstate...and the cry starts turning into what we have dubbed THE cry.
Remember in Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd says 'u wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world'...yeah, ear piercing like that, with a side of extra screaming. Talk about make ya get in a freaking car wreck! That had to be the worst driving experience I've ever had. Like even worse when the boy cried then entire ride home from the beach one year...
Honey where's his binkie??? Um, I forgot it at daycare. OMFG
How the H did you get away with having the baby for FOUR hours, not change his diaper, not have a binkie, and not have a bottle, have a great time and no problems???? And then bring him to me ready for a nuclear meltdown?!!!
Panic and tension have set in on all of us...I start scanning the road and remember there's a Walgreens by the sports store...hit the gas and hauled ass. Traffic. Motha fricken traffic. Dead stop. Are ya kidding me?? It's time for desperate measures here-yes people, I rode the emergency lane to get to the exit. I had to.
10 minutes and 30 flippin dollars later for formula, a binkie and a pack of crackers, we had a happy 11 month old making love to his bottle, and a freaked out 10 year old who asked us if we really couldn't send the baby back to the stork. (He later retracted that statement when his baby brother hugged his leg in the store).
And then in the store, I feel that warm wet feeling on my hip-you know the one-the diaper has exploded. Me to hubs...honey have ya changed the baby's diaper at ALL since you picked him up? Really? Bang.head.on.wall.  Of we went to the bathroom to strip the baby and try to dry my shirt.

All was right in the world again...until we went to dinner...let's just say I left the restaurant with a beer spilled in my lap and mashed potatoes mysteriously in my BRA.
Yep, that's our life:-)

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Trolls

So, this momma is relatively new to the land of bloggers, and facebook 'like' pages and I am still quite in shock from these things called Trolls. Now my definition of troll recently has been those that scour pages and make stupid comments on posts, start fights with people, and generally want everyone to feel like shit because they are better and you are not-mostly by overzealous (or maybe jealous) mothers who have tried to make me feel bad for vaccinating my kids, giving the baby formula, shaving my legs, having a life outside of my kids, get it-basically calling me a bad mother and they would know, because, you know, they know everything and you know nothing, so it's their job so 'save' you.. I have been a victim to many of these troll attacks...luckily having been able to block and delete because I really got tired of defending myself and frankly my feelings were getting hurt.
Apparently that's a lot harder to do on a 'like' page. And they know it.
But there is a new form of Troll hitting the waves...This kind of Troll has made it their mission in life to sit behind their computer all day, scouring our pages for 'inappropriate content' so they can hit that 'report to facebook' button 8,000 times a day. I have had friends called pedophiles for posting pics of babies sticking the bird, dangerous for joking that their kids were about to get a can of whoopass, etc...then reported for it, haivng posting abilities taken away, some even getting outright deleted. I got reported and can't tag anyone anymore...not sure what I did to offend the Trolls? Oh yeah, I had a sense of humor.
Now seriously, I get it, it's just facebook, but jeezus h christ do people really have nothing better to do? This has to be a product of the sluggish economy and high unemployment rate right?? A lot of us enjoy the shit out of swapping our good and bad stories, and I don't care if it's over the computer or not, it's comforting to know you are not alone in this world with your crazy mind :-) This is how we communicate now, it's 2011..get over it.
I have an idea in my head of what these trolls look like, and the life that they must I  have a few scenarios cooked up...

#1- The Unemployed/Living with Mom Troll: 
This is probably the most common of the Trolls...I see a disgusting, unwashed, unshaven middle aged man with a balding head and coke bottle glasses. His room looks like an episode of Hoarders, and he smells like ass. This Troll sits behind his computer, stalking Facebook pages and clicking that report button while he gets a thrill knowing he's ruining someone's day...he makes random, senseless comments and rambles like a 2 year old on a bad day. He also poses as a young boy usually, making it all the more creepier.This Troll does not get up from his computer because his ass is stuck in his chair, and he can't get through the sea of pizza boxes and empty takeout containers. He's pissed that he's stuck, and therefore takes it out on us.

#2-The Jealous Troll:
I suspect this may be the most common of the evil Trolls, as I think this one is a woman, who is jealous of how funny we are and wishes she had something smart ass and witty to say at any given moment, as so many of us do. We can't all be as cool as us, and she's pissed about it. This Troll has made it her mission to ruin everyone's fun, because hell, if she's not having any, then nobody will. She also may fall into the Miserable Bitch category, but may have been blocked from stalking and harrassing her ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend, therefore has switched over to Trolling and taken to harrassing us.

#3- The 'Crusader' Troll:
This is another common Troll, and a pretty baffling one. This Troll claims to be a 'bully exterminator' and that they are on a mission to free Facebook from all internet bullying. This Troll is a delusional Troll, and most likely an stupid one, because they consider laughing at one another's jokes as bullying and that it must be reported and stopped immeadiately for the good of all mankind.  The Crusador Troll may sometimes be a delusional teenager that may have gotten bullied a time or two, and has now lost all sense of reality and what the definition of harrassment is. He does not know any boundaries, and will randomly say two and three word phrases that make no sense before he reports you. He's either retarded or on drugs. Or both. I imagine that these Crusaders must drop a shit ton of acid before logging on to Facebook...because sometimes that is the only explanation for the irrational and off the wall things that they say.

So that is my Troll assessment for today...Please feel free to add any of your own definitions, I promise I won't get mad if you thought of something funnier than me!!!
Love you all MUAH!!!

Monday, October 17, 2011

My Sh#* Show Weekend...

This one may ramble at times, as this weekend certainly was a SHIT SHOW, and I am still trying to gather my thoughts. Thank  you to my friend Dan for that awesome terminology:-)

Of course the freaking Homecoming Saga continued Friday night; Gump did not bother to show up to help decorate...neither did most of our parents. Some of them got a pass because they had other things going on, and told us ahead of time, dude that's cool...but if you gonna sit there with ya bobble head shaking it up and down like you understand what time to be here, don't just not show up. That's annoying. And retarded. And disrespectful of those that are working hard for YOUR kid. You know, because I LOVE chasing my 11 month old around trying to again remove cigarette butts and markers from his mouth while you sit your ass at home and not participate. (p.s. thanks to all the mommas who felt pity on me and tried to help with the baby-you have no idea how much it is appreciated).
All crap aside, we got done fairly quickly, and our little trailer looked pretty good!
Saturday morning arrives, and my little ball of cuteness of course had momma up at the ass crack of dawn, because you know, it's normal as hell to be up at 4am and head butting me on a Saturday morning..stinker. We got all our crap together, and headed out to pick up donuts for the team. Granted, this is very early in the morning, so one would expect that the donut shop is still pretty stocked. I walk in to order, and was met with a toothless broad who looked at me like I was retarded when I asked for 120 donut holes. Maybe she thought I was coming to bring her more meth??? Who knows. After very un-necessarily loudly announcing that all they had was plain, and chocolate WTF I am going to have some upset boys on my hands...her co-worker stepped in and took care of me. Thank gawd, cuz she was scaring me.
The parade line up was a mess as usual, total chaos, but we are used to it...doesn't even bother me anymore...probably the one thing that doesn't bug the crap out me. All the kids were so excited! We(and everyone else) were definitely upstaged by a gigantic trailer turned pirate ship complete with matching confetti-shooting cannons...somebody has waaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands. Gump drops his kid off an we never saw him until the game 6 hours later. Jackhole. Who DOES that? Only coach that didn't ride in the parade with his kids.

Whatever...we have come to the conclusion that aliens have taken over his body, and someone from space is running him with a remote control. There is no other explanation really.

After the longest game in pee wee history against one of our biggest rivals, we wound up tying. Of course we would. Then the kids start coming off the field...and inform us one of the refs told them "Quit fucking complaining' and 'you're being a bunch of bitches'. Wow. Just wow. My face is pretty f'ing hot right now, I start asking random kids-from BOTH sides-to confirm, and sure enough, looks like this guy was cursing out the kids. Oh HELL no. Needless to say it got REAL ugly-the ref denied, said all the kids were lying...dude, we are mothers of 10 year old boys, we can smell bullshit a mile away...I knew as soon as I finished asking him if he said that to my kid, that he was cooking a line of bullshit to feed me. Hell hat no fury like a mob of angry football moms-most men would rather get their balls smashed than deal with that. Dude didn't have a prayer. I heard through the grapevine that he was fired...not sure how true that is though. And I am very proud of myself for not punching the asshole in the face...and for not choking the teenager who thought it was an appropriate time to butt in an tell me and the mom next to me that we were making a big deal out of nothing. I think she may have gotten to him though...go sista!!

eff this season, eff this recreation department, eff it all. My kid is not going to watch this crap anymore.
Peace out suckas!

Friday, October 14, 2011

My hubs cracks me up

I almost forgot about this one...
It's October and also Breast Cancer Awareness month, so the boys, in tune with the NFL players, change their laces to hot pink, and socks as well...some of them change the mouthpieces, gloves, etc... We do it show support for the cause. So as I was changing the laces in The Boy's cleats (becuase 'I don't know how'-yeah right), Hubs asks, Why do they celebrate BCA month anyway-no women play in the NFL...Well babe, it's a leading cause of death in women and we need to keep the awareness and prevention alive. No, I get that, but why did the NFL pick to support that? Why can't they pick something that can affect their players directly- Why isn't there a Testicular Cancer Awareness month-none of them want to lose their balls-you know they could all wear blue socks and shit. Good point babe, good point. 

Gump and the Trailer-The Homecoming Saga Continues

I am beyond annoyed..May have even hit the breaking point, or pretty close to it. Why do people insist on being stupid???
Yesterday was, of course, total insanity. Started off pretty innocent, got to work, did a few things, updated the blog, and returned to stressing the F out about this GD trailer for the homecoming parade. 
We had a maybe, and a 'well I gotta call my old man's brother in law in Mississippi and he's supposed to text me any minute now'...I do not function well at all with the unknown. AT.ALL. 
Now, I'm pretty spontaneous when it comes to fun stuff, but when things need to get done, and we are on a time crunch, I get really agitated with the I don't knows and maybes. That's just the way it is, that's how things get done, and get done right. (It just dawned on me that The Boy is exactly like that and maybe I shouldn't get so aggravated with him when he's trying to plan out every minute of NEXT Saturday...haha)
Around lunchtime all hell broke loose...the trailer is getting very questionable-something about rotten floorboards FML, and I get a call to alter a bridesmaids dress-for TOMORROW..well today now. Sure, I can do that-she's a good friend, she was desperate and she needed me-how can I say no to that?? And I needed to take a leotard down a size that I've been putting off all week. And get my Halloween dresses done and out the door. And check The Boy's spelling words. And football practice. 
I seriously considered stopping for a cocktail before I even attempted to step foot in the house. But responsibility prevailed once again, and I haul ass home, scooped up The Babe from nursery, and hit the ground running when we got home. Well, I tried to hit the ground running, but almost killed myself tripping over a freaking spatula on the kitchen floor that I KNOW my dearest hubs and eldest walked past about 50 flipping times during the course of their eat, sleep and fart routine of the day. Mommie dearest is starting to surface, I can feel it. Ask my kids and the hubs-they do NOT like when the MD comes out of me. It's not good.
And The Babe wants nothing to do with walking at this moment. At.all. My hip is the only place he wants to be. No daddy, no bubbie, only Momma. I have learned to just adapt to these moments, as he's only this little once, so I'm getting all my snuggles in now:-) on to making bows for the Halloween dresses with one hand..the bridesmaid dress and that dang leotard will have to wait until the maniac toddler is sleeping. 
Now this evening was one of those rare occasions that Hubs is home in the evening, so I took full advantage of it and left him and The Babe home while we went to practice to deal with the trailer situation. 
As we are walking into the park, I see all of my moms standing in a circle and a few heads doing the bob-you know the one-you can tell from a mile away that some bitching is going on. I'm like greeeeeeeeat, what happened now, dreading the walk up the group. Everyone turns when I get there and says 'you are NOT going to believe this'...brace yourself, deep breath, ok 'what happened?'...Come to find out, one of our moms told our space cadet Coach Gump that she HAD A TRAILER AND A TRUCK A WEEK AGO!!!! Are you f'ing kidding me right now?? Nope. Not kidding. So when I asked him on Monday what the deal was with the truck/trailer, and I got a look like he had no idea what he was talking about, it was either plain ass stupidity, or the man really could give a shit. I think it's a combo of both. Needless to say, now MY head is doing the bob and I am PISSED. All of this stressing out for nothing. Is this dude serious?? Like does he realize I may rip his f'ing head off for being such a douche?? 
After we all got over the shock of the sheer stupidity of Gump, we found our table, and got to the business of decorations and gossipping....until practice is over and Gump comes strolling up. 
Hey Gump, did ya forget she told ya she had a trailer? Huh? You told me that? Sure did. Oh, uh, maybe I remember somebody telling me something about a trailer, but I dunno whatever. OMFG.KILL. One of the moms tore him a new ass....awesome that I didn't have to do it, and she did WAY better than I could have:-) 
So now, instead of being done, we will be decorating our trailer tonight. Friday night trailer decorating party...Good thing it's 2 for 1 at the drive thru daiquiri place on Fridays..;-) 
Homecoming here we come!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Football and the Homecoming Boss

Man we got the pick of the litter this year of football coaches. The boy has played park ball since he was 4, so we've been in the 'system' for 6 years now. I call it a system, because although everyone pays their dues and gets nickel and dimed to death just the same, in our little town, your child's ball experience, no matter what sport it is, depends on who you know and who ass gets kissed the most. I don't do ass kissing. at.All. And we are at the mercy of a very questionable and shady 'draft' process, and also questionable and shady referees. It all makes for a very interesting season every year. I was really nervous going into this football season, mainly because now we have a toddler, and chasing a baby around a ballpark is uncharted territory for me-I STILL have no idea what I'm doing-I spend most of my time picking cigarette butts out of my child's mouth and cleaning up coke that he insisted on drinking out of the 'big' cup-call me a bad mom I don't care, you can suck it, I'm trying here!! The icing on the cake was our 'coach'..and a say is coach in the loosest of terms- I think we got Forrest Gump this year. (Thank you to my dear friend, she knows who she is, for that reference!!!;-)) This coach has been around for a few years, so we all know him, and some have dreaded the day our kid's name showed up on his roster. This was my year. Thank gawd some of our friend's were here too, at least I have people to laugh with at the utter ridiculousness that is this football season.

These boys are good, they have spent their entire season having great practices, learning new plays, and hitting like William Perry would on a 300lb linebacker...But then we have a game. Nothing is like it is in practice, and everyone is confused. It's like Gump's brain falls out of his head when they put the uniforms on. At least that's what I initially thought...after careful observation we have come to the conclusion that Gump thinks his kid is going to the NFL, and therefore he needs to be the only one that ever runs the ball. Ever. Now, I'm not trying to pick on the kid at ALL, he is just a 10 year old boy after all...but jeezus lawd, if you keep giving the same kid the ball, and he keeps doing his twinkle toes/frogger dance in the backfield thinking he's Reggie Bush, instead of MOVING THE BALL FORWARD, wouldn't you make some kind of adjustment? Negative. Gump thinks his kid is a star, and everyone else is there to make him shine. Needless to say, our season is winding down, and we have won ONE game. ONE. With a team full of very good players. But watcha gonna do???? I've said my peace with our so called rec dept. director, and not that anything will be done, but I feel better that my opinion is known. Like I said, we are at the mercy of the 'draft' and it is what it is.

So, we have made the best of it, cheering our boys on, cutting up on the sidelines (air horns are fun!) and enjoying each other's company during what is none other than the most craptastic football season on record.
Last week, we start wondering about Homecoming. Homecoming is a big deal to these boys, they get to ride on a float like Mardi Gras rider, tossing beads and acting a fool for a little mini-parade, and then play their homecoming games after. It really is the highlight of their season, some kids look forward to it all year. Now, normally, in all of my years as a football Mom, the coach has ALWAYS lined everything up we needed and directed the parent's as to what was needed, etc..Gump has been a coach for years, he knows the drill. Days go by and no mention of homecoming still...I keep telling myself, Don't ask, you will get stuck with it, Don't do it, Don't do it. Chatted with a few of my other moms, all of us wondering what the hell was going on. Well it was now Monday, the parade was in 5 days, and still nothing. I breakdown and call Gump-who was busy hustling money for his travel football team(that explains the complacent attitude) and asked him about the trailer, truck, etc.... *crickets*...uuuuuuuuh I dunno, you wanna take care of that?? I freaking KNEW it. What imma say? No?? (see there's that damn NO again)...I can't say NO, if I don't then we will have nothing and our kids will be walking ghetto fabulous in the parade with backpacks of beads strapped to their chests. We can't have that.

So I rally up my other moms, the saints that they are (we really got some good parents this year thank goodness) and we got the ball rolling on our trailer and truck and decorations. I have spent my entire week freaking out about the f'ing trailer, and someone finally came through last night-THANK YOU!!! Side note: I remember after Katrina, it seemed like everybody we knew had a trailer, where the heck did they all go???? Random thought.

I'm getting our shit together at practice last night, trying to collect everyone's 5 dolla donation for decor and stuff, getting jersey numbers, and attempting to have some sort of parent's thanks to Gump, who stood there with that blank stare again, ask him for his 5, and what do I get *crickets*...again. Ya mean I gotta pay too?? Are ya freaking kidding me dude?? Saturday will be interesting I'm sure I'll have a story:-)


Freaking socks. The bane of my existence. I hate washing them, I hate matching them, and I hate digging them out of the bottom of the washing machine. I am convinced there is an gnome living in my house that jacks socks and pacifiers. Convinced. There is no.other.rational.explanation. I have in the past few months decided that I shall fold socks no more, so if you want socks, you have to refer to the 'sock basket' in the laundry room...that is where all of our mismatched, holey pile of feet warmth is. I am done looking for socks-don't even get me started on BABY socks. We wear them once, then POOF, socks are gone. We often wear socks of different colors, shapes and sizes...none of us really cares, nobody sees them anyways. But we have to have matching no-show socks for football-now really, if they are 'no shows' who really cares??? The boy insists on the matching socks...and he doesn't request much, so I do indulge his need for matching no shows for football-by purchasing a new pack every other week. Yesterday, as I walk in the door from racing home from Job#1, to start Job #2(had to start on a dress), to get ready for Job #3(Homecoming Boss-more on that in the next post), the boy announces in a very panicked voice that he has no no-shows, after piddling around for 20 minutes and right before we are WALKING OUT THE DOOR. Aw crap. I forgot to buy the damn socks. I start to get annoyed, then remember that I did in fact purchase a brand new shiny pack of no shows just this past Saturday-and inquired about the whereabouts of said socks. *crickets* then, I don't know. Seriously dude? Did you look in the basket? Yes....Did you look in your closet? um, yeah...really, you looked in the closet?? (I randomly remembered that I had seen said pack of socks shoved in there on Sunday after he threw them in there during his very suspiciously fast cleaning of his room, didn't have the energy to fuss about the fact that he shoved EVERYTHING in the closet, clean AND dirty clothes-awesome-and filed that sock sighting away for later use) Yeah Mom I looked in the closet. So the babe and I go in the boy's room and proceed to empty the closet-running late now-finding brand new jeans that he said he 'lost'...under armor shirts that also were 'lost', legos, batteries, and empty gogurt package-KILL-and wow, a pack of no show socks. Dude, your socks are here...They weren't there when I looked. Screw the wine, where's my SHOT???

Why did I think running a business out of the house was a good idea?

I do not recommend this as my business has completely taken over my house. I have a friend who runs one out of her house, and she has a dedicated room for it...that's the way to do it. Me...I gotta do crap the hard way. We now have a sewing/homeschool/dress assembly/football equipment dumping room...formerly known as my dining room. I miss it so.
I work on dresses every minute that I can-when the babe is sleeping or otherwise occupied destroying something in the house. He's a fast little booger.
Lately, I've been so busy (because I can't say NO...but really, who's gonna turn money down?) that I've been attempting to work while the munchkin is still rampaging through my house like a bull in a china shop. Not the best idea ever.
Last night was by far one of the funniest and most stressful...I HAD to get a few things done to make a deadline, so I kind of let the babe have free reign...10 minutes and a whole lotta banging later(his brother was supposed to be keeping him occupado...thanks buddy), I look up to see nothing short of the aftermath of an Atomic bomb. That sucker managed to empty out the entire tupperware cabinet, pull zip loc baggies out their boxes, throw all the formula cans on the floor and roll them to the living room, pull half the school books out and proceed to chew one, and unravel an entire spool of black thread. sheesh. Where is my trusty eldest during this disaster session? Watching TV. Good lord. Where's my WINE??


We have a poop problem lately. A big one. This baby has most definitely pooped his entire weight plus some in the last few days...Our latest incident this morning has me still gagging...Our little gem is walking now, so he's not as near me as he used to be so I could smell THAT smell earlier. Half-awake, begging the coffee pot to hurry UP already...I do smell the smell...upon investigation the smell has run down the diaper (Luvs, I should sue for false advertising)...and trailed from the kitchen to the living room. A line of poop. The baby is halfway between me and the hubs...I see the trail as the line in the sand and I refuse to cross it. Hubs looks at me with that look-you know-the one that says 'u gonna take care of that or what'. I shot back an equally demanding look and a remark that almost caused an arguement. But as we stood there looking at little bit and his cute poop covered self, all we could do was laugh, and tag team the clean up. I heart cleaning poop at 5am. I highly recommend it if you are dieting.