Monday, May 21, 2012

Buffets.....Where all manners are left at the front door...

So on Sunday, I was not feeling the whole cooking thing.Half of my kitchen is at the new house, everything is frozen, and I just don't effin FEEL like it!..What does one do when they have a mischievous toddler and a tight budget?  Buffet. Yep...should just stayed home.

Off we went to our local Golden Corral-don't judge, we gotta get in, and get out, it's the fastest-plus they have a chocolate fountain now-that shit is GOOD. Worth the ten bucks all by its self...

We got there around 4:30...thinking we would beat the usual Sunday crowd. Should have left when we pulled in the parking lot-it's full. Ok, no biggie, it's just busy, we can handle that. So we get in line behind a party of 16....again, should have left. The place is a zoo, there are huge parties everywhere..But decided to stick it out (the steak smelled REALLY good). None of them knew what they wanted to drink, who was paying, the whole nine yards-total chaos. Hubs looks at me, and we're like-let's go. But in comes ANOTHER huge party right behind us, so we are stuck in the cattle call line. Great. Meanwhile, the babe has managed to get his shoes off, and is now trying to swing like a monkey from the partitions. And throws a fit when I picked him up. Lovely. Now it's complete and utter chaos in this place...and adding to it is an employee/hostess who found herself a megaphone, and is announcing congrats to the wedding party on the left, birthday party to the right, and the FOUR graduation parties in line. It's fucking graduation day. OH.SHIT.
By now we are through the line finally, having managed to pay before the three parties behind us could confuse these poor girls any more, and after fighting with the hostess that we did NOT want to sit in the middle of the aisle-picture getting smacked in the head with people's plates as they walk by-no thank you-finally got to a decent table, and managed to get settled and off to the buffet.
Well, not really off to the buffet, more like off to the herd of cattle rushing to get to the buffet-by the time we got settled, the three parties behind us have paid, and all three have made a mad rush to the buffet line like they haven't eaten in weeks.
Still trying to go with the flow, we try our damndest to merge into traffic and get in line without touching anyone or being rude..... Except there's no line-it's become a dodge in-dodge out kind of thing. And people touching me with their plates, and elbowing, and giving me dirty looks as I get to a food before they do. The Boy, after very patiently waiting his turn, only to get almost knocked over by a very large and in charge rude lady,  is using his height to his advantage by dodging under the adults fighting over the last piece of fried chicken, and managed to get him some grub pretty quick. I can hear the employees bitching that people are f'ing greedy and wondering if they ever saw food before. All the food is gone in a matter of minutes. The poor waitresses are running like crazy. The place is a WRECK, and wouldn't ya  know it-they are plumb out of plates.
It was probably the worst experience we have ever had as a family in ANY restaurant-including the time when the babe knocked an entire pitcher of Blue Moon all over the table. Yep. That bad.
So I am taking a few minutes to rehash the rules of the buffet based on the horrific behavior we saw-it's called manners and decency people-use it:

1. I know it's not required to do so, but it would behoove you to call ahead and let them know that you have a large group coming. And if you don't-don't bitch when they take forever to get you situated.

2. Figure out the whole who's paying for who and what BEFORE you get to the cash register-it's the nice thing to do. Nobody wants to stand behind you and listen to you bitch about how your old man never pays for shit, or your cousin owes you 4 bucks, so they need to pay your 4 on their bill and deduct 4 from your bill-It don't work that way.

3. When in a large group, don't make it your mission to suck down your first drink before the waitress is even finished giving everyone their FIRST drink. And if you do, give her a minute to get you another one-you are not her only table, and sixteen of you just sat down and started demanding bread, more drinks, and a stack of napkins because your cousin let their kid crawl on the table and he spilled half a table's worth of drinks. In fact-keep your kids OFF the table period. That's just plain retarded to let your kids do that. It's so not cute.

4. It's a buffet-they WILL fill the bins when they are empty. There is no need to put your head UNDER the sneeze guard and bark at the attendant that their 'aint no mo fried chicken'...she knows, and I'm sure just as anxious as you are to get the bin full, so you will get your sweaty, smelly head away from the food. It's a buffet, they are constantly cooking, this is not the last food you will ever see. Chill.the.fuck.OUT.

5. There is an unwritten rule at the buffet-start at one end, and work your way down. It's not that hard. It's incredibly rude to elbow your way in an out of the line-people are in that line for a reason-to maintain order, you and your elbowing ass needs to get in line just like everyone else. You are not special. You are not hungrier than anyone else. Get.In.The.Damn.Line.

6. There is no need to fill your plate to the brim, eat half, and then throw the rest away. I cannot STAND that. Wasting food like that is shameful.

7. Touching-If you don't know someone, then touching them with that damn elbow, your plate, or any other part of your body or thing that you are holding, is inappropriate. I know you are hungry, and must get to your table ASAP, but running little kids over, and knocking old ladies out is not going to get you there any faster. The herd will not move faster if you push people in the back with your plate. And think about it-do  you know the last time I washed my hair-what if I had cooties or something? Why would you push your plate in my back, with my hair two inches away, and then take that food to your table and eat it. EWWWWW. Just ew.

8. People get this mentality when they are at places like this, that they can make a huge mess and it doesn't matter because they don't have to clean it up. That's rude. And shows your lack of common sense and decency. Scooping food out and missing half your plate, spilling food all over the line, and making a huge mess because you can is ridiculous. I heard with my own two ears several people exclaim-fuck it, i aint gotta clean it up. You suck.

9. There is no 'place holding' or food holding at a buffet-just because your friend told you to watch the last of the fried okra for her while she gets another plate, does not mean you should stand RIGHT in front of it and hold the entire line up, daring people to touch it-move the fuck on.

10. And finally, I know there's a lot of debate about tipping-We tip usually 5 bucks when we do the buffet. Yesterday we tipped her 10-that poor lady had two HUGE parties that ran her ass off' and left her NOTHING. Zero. Zip. Nada.  Tip your waitresses people. It's the right thing to do.

And after all of that-some idiot let their 4 year old kid play with the chocolate fountain alone, and said kid proceeded to just throw things in instead of using the sticks, then PUT HER HANDS in the chocolate to fish them out. Chocolate fountain shut down for clean out, no chocolate for me:-(  That should be #11-follow the damn rules, escort the little kids to the buffet! There's a reason!

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