Monday, May 7, 2012

What else?

That's how I'm feeling right now. To the point where there is so much spinning in my head, I'm kind of in a daze and lost. I need to find some direction here and hoping that writing it all down will help clear it out and move forward. So I'm warning y'all ahead of time, there's probably nothing even remotely funny in this blog today. And I apologize for that, but I need to get this out.
I have to say last week was a complete shit show. After spending last weekend working the Team AJ Cabbage Ball Tournament(again, thank you, thank you to everyone who came out, supported us, donated, everything!!!), I had a feeling something was going on with my BFF…we’ve been friends for over 15 years, you know when something is wrong. I was getting that cold, distant feeling from her. Well on Sunday night, she FACEBOOK messages me that I can’t be in her wedding anymore, because her mother told her that I called her a bitch in the grocery parking lot like SIX months ago, and if I was in the wedding, she wouldn’t be there. Yes, because my favorite thing to do in life, while wrangling kids and groceries into the car, is to call old ladies bitches across parking lots. Yep. That’s me. The woman has never liked me and she finally got me out of the way. So instead of trying to get to the bottom of it, I got shoved to the side. No let’s see if it smooths over, nothing. It was very quickly decided that I was gone. The speed and finality of the whole thing left me reeling, and extremely HURT. For the record, I did NOT do that, but the damage is done, and people are going to think whatever they want about me, I can’t control that I guess. But damn. So that was Monday.
I spent the next two days crying and trying to understand what just happened. And getting no answers, just very cold, and matter of fact answers. To say I was and AM heartbroken is an understatement. I just don’t understand.
Then I get a call Thursday morning that my ex-husband is in the hospital with liver failure and it’s not looking good-his kidneys are starting to shut down, and fluid is building up around his heart. That call was a very grim one and the picture painted to me was that he was like getting ready to die or something. I’ll give you all the abbreviated version of us: He is an alcoholic. I spent 6 years of my life trying to help him, and trying to get everyone to help me to help him, to no avail. You can’t help someone who won’t even admit there is a problem. And he has friends that think there is nothing wrong and he’s ‘just a fun guy’. I don’t see anything fun about driving drunk, destroying your marriage, making a fool out of yourself constantly, and destroying your body. There is so much more to the story, so, so much more, but that’s just not something I need to tell the world.  I emotionally checked out of the relationship after a few years, and had been planning to leave for a long time, when a wonderful man came into my life and gave me the push I needed to get the hell out of a destructive situation. I was crucified and judged and had many people turn their backs on me. Again denying that he had anything to do with why we split-It just HAD to be all me. Needless to say, I was crushed by it. I felt like no one could or wanted to understand what I went through with him. It was HELL. And I felt very alone, and very very judged. I’ll say this, don’t ever judge someone until you have been through what they have. I wouldn’t wish that time on anyone…and the fact that everyone believed his bullshit really really stuck with me and hurt so bad.  Regardless, I had to go through all of that to get to where I am now-I am in a happy, and HEALTHY relationship, and have another beautiful boy. I wouldn’t change the way things went down for anything. He wound up marrying my 2nd cousin (that’s an entire other story), and shit got really bad between all of us-there was a whole lot of name-calling and mean things said. I finally talked to her yesterday, and finally heard the words I have been waiting for for 3 years now-“You were right, now I know why you left, and I’m so sorry for everything.” I knew I was right all along, and I stuck to my guns because I knew it was doing the right thing, no matter what anyone’s opinion was of it-I was the one who lived with him, I was the one living it, not them. People like to assume they know what goes on in other people’s homes and are so quick to pass judgement. I thought I would feel a little vindicated maybe by hearing that now she(and a lot of others) understand what I went through, because he’s doing it to her now, but I’m really just more sad than anything. He has wasted his life. He has let his children down, he’s let yet another wife down. As much as I want to yell “I TOLD Y’ALL SO!!!”, I can’t..because in the end, he may die, and he will die with nothing. And that is profoundly sad. I never wished that for him, and always hoped he would find a way to get himself to a better place. Either he will get better, and turn his life around, or he won’t. Time will tell. All I know is, I did what I needed to do to get myself, and my son, out of a destructive situation. I have no regrets. I’m sure as he is lying in that hospital bed, he is full of regret and remorse, and he should be. All I can hope is that he learns from it and makes amends, and makes an effort to make it right with those he has hurt along the way.
To top all of that bull off, The Boy corners me last night and asks me why we are moving? I told him the truth, that we were told our lease would not be renewed, so we had to find a new place. He says, well I know who is moving in this house, and they told  XX(neighbor kid) that we are being evicted because we can’t pay our rent. (the neighbor’s in laws own the house we are in now, we don’t get along anymore due to a horrible mis-understanding and people talking shit and changing stories, but it is what it is, now, one of their BFF’s is moving into this house as soon as we are out-how convenient right?-I think this was planned all along as soon as I decided their lifestyle and choices just weren’t my cup of tea and distanced myself-then made the HUGE mistake of writing about it, and all hell broke loose..)
REALLY people??? If I’m being evicted, it must be through telepathy, because I wasn’t aware of that! And why involve the kids in this bullshit? Assholes. Get a grip. How is it that our new house is the same money if we can’t pay our rent? Why do I even have to sit here and defend myself AGAIN?? People should just keep my name out of their mouths. Don’t presume to know what’s going on , and then present that story to everyone like it is fact. Because it is in fact NOT true. Just goes to show you what kind of people I am getting away from! Good riddance. And to you, the nosy bitch who thinks they know my business, I know who you are, I know what you are saying. Go mind your own family, because I hear that’s not doing so well! Keep out of my life, I have better things to do than spread rumors about you, like go to WORK…maybe you should try that!
Anyways, that’s what’s going on. I’m trying to get out of this fog, because there is a whole lotta packing and moving that needs to start like NOW….ready for a fresh start!

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