Friday, January 13, 2012

Trying to bring my funny back...

I saw a status from one of my friends today..."I miss reading my friends funny posts, where has everyone's sense of humor gone?"... Good point. Where DID it go? I lost my snarkyness for a short while, but my girl has inspired me to get it back. Life has dealt us with some wicked curve balls these past few months...and all that while I have had such an urge to write, but can't find the time or organize my thoughts. Some really funny shit has happened in between all the bull.  I'm still clouded, but I thought I would share something I've been working on for a REALLY long time... One of my girlfriends and I were talking a while back that we should write a book about the things nobody told you about being pregnant. It started off as a joke, but got my writing juices flowing. So I kinda started it.... here goes my first part....


A satirical collection of stories and advice from a few moms who thought-“yeah I wish somebody would have told me THAT”.

This book is in no way, shape, or form intended to be taken as medical advice. We are not medical professionals, and do not claim to be. We intend for this to be a funny look at some of the crazy things that happen when you’re pregnant. If you think this book is medical advice, then please, put it down and seek professional help. But we have faith that common sense will prevail…for the most part. That is all.

About Me:
xxxxxx lives in the New Orleans area with her husband xxx and their two boys xxx, 10, and xxx., 1. She works full time,is a baseball mom, and runs a small sewing business out of her house. Yeah, she’s really bored. And also the definition of smart ass-you’ll see.

“Holy Crap I’m Pregnant”
I figured that most people who bought this book would already be pregnant-thank you for your support!!-, but wanted to add this nugget in just in case you are reading it for pure fun; in which case we thank you for allowing us to entertain you!-or for future reference.
When one says this out loud, life as we know it is changed forever, whether it’s your first or your 10th(God bless you woman!), realizing that you are adding a member to your family is a wonderful moment in any woman’s life. And one of the scariest (we’ll get to that part later).
Let’s talk about the finding out part. There are seemingly endless choices in the whole pregnancy test department, and it can be downright bewildering. There you are, standing in the aisle of your favorite drug store, between the condoms and tampons (how funny is that they are right there, like it’s the pause between the two functions(??)) staring at rows of boxes promising you joy and happiness, and sometimes with a coupon attached! Now, we speak from experience here, they are all about the same, there is really no need to buy the top of the line tests, either you are, or you aren’t. Those little life-changing sticks are pretty freaking reliable girls. But now is also not the time to be cheap-please do not buy a pregnancy test at the dollar store. Like the real dollar store where everything is a buck…pregnancy tests just don’t belong there. Ever.
You may also spend a small fortune buying multiple tests because you don’t trust the first 5 that you took. Completely understandable and highly unavoidable. Oh yes, I took TEN for The Babe. You don’t even WANT to know the story of how I found out I was preggo for The Boy…that is long ass story that stays between me and one of my BFFers. It  happens, and you’re not crazy for buying an entire shelf of pee sticks. If anyone gives you crap for it, tell them to suck it.
By now, if you have seen the two blue lines, you have frantically called your GYN trying to get the soonest appointment possible, probably to find that the next opening is two freaking weeks away. Nice. However, we do not recommend going ballistic and crazy pregnant lady on the receptionist. You will be dealing with these people for several months to come, so make nice. Save the crazy pregnant lady outbursts for later, because, trust us, there will be PLENTY of time for that. If it’s really bothering you that much, and it did for all of us…you can take a test every day until the appointment. Yep. I did that.

Sharing the News

Some women take months to spread the news of their impending parenthood, and yet others seem to be announcing before the pee is even dry on the stick. It really is all up to you and when you feel the time is right. But for the love of all that is Holy, your Mother, and Aunt Bea do NOT want to find out on Facebook. Make sure you take the time to notify important and close family members personally, before you announce to the Facebook world that your preggo. Trust us, this will save you a whole lot of bitching, and possibly save your baby shower.
 You may then commence with the announcements and pee stick picture postings. Post a pic of your pee stick at your own risk-we gave a certain one of our friends a helluva hard time when she did that a few years ago. Be prepared for the ribbing if you have smart ass friends like me. It’s all in good fun, I love her.
And do us all a favor, if you’re gonna tell everyone your news like the minute after you conceive, please for the luva gawd do not post daily FB updates on your progress…”8 months, 15 days and 4 hours until we meet our little peanut!”…A weekly update will suffice if you must. You most certainly don’t want everyone to be over your pregnancy before you even have a baby bump. Or hear-“Damn she’s STILL pregnant, I thought she had that baby months ago!” Not good.

So that's my start...I'll be adding things as I go maybe....just wanted to get this out! 

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